Sunday, September 18, 2016

Open Letter to Jonah Goldberg


Dear Jonah,

You are a cuckservative. But I say this with the utmost respect and affection, so please read on.

Recently, you have been opining about the Alt Right and the legitimacy of the NeverTrumpers. Specifically, you recommend that conservatives “John Birch the Alt-Right,” referring to how your former boss Bill Buckley slipped a stiletto between the ribs of the John Birch Society over 50 years ago and effectively ousted them from the mainstream. Furthermore, you continue to withhold your endorsement of Donald Trump and argue with your critics about the philosophical meaning of patriotism, conservatism, and the like. This all makes for some great reading, of course, but I believe your positions on the Alt Right and Donald Trump amount to little more than stodgy bunkum. This, in my opinion, makes you just a wee bit dangerous to the future of this country, if we want to maintain our first-world standards of life, that is.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Who the hell is this guy and why does he presume to know more about politics than I do?” I can understand that. You’ve been writing for National Review since the 1990s, and I burst on the scene way back in March of 2016. You have the benefit of decades of study and close contact with some of the best conservative minds of the last and current centuries. Meanwhile, I’ve read a few books in my spare time. You’ve appeared on national television and debated world-famous personalities, whereas I’ve appeared only before my monitor and debated nothing more than my conscience. But instead of viewing me as some ignorant upstart challenging one of the giants of political punditry, please view me rather as a savvy, number-crunching baseball fan who takes issue with a PhD dissertation on the statistics of baseball. Every once and a while the woodwork produces some good stuff.

Anyway, my issue with you stems from the fact that Leftists have won the day in our culture wars and that you are the exactly the kind of conservative these people permit in our mainstream society. Trump and the Alt Right are not permitted, of course (albeit for mostly different reasons), and this is essentially why you have joined your colleagues on the Left in standing against them. Yes, they are your colleagues despite your deep and profound philosophical differences with them. I say this because if they were truly displeased with you, you’d be out of a job. I’m sure your ex-colleague John Derbyshire can tell you more about it if you’re interested.

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